I fear we have reached Peak Bollocks in terms of motorcycles. And it is wondrous and terrible all at the same time. We now have motorcycles producing well in excess of 200 horsepower, and with the advent of the new Triumph Rocket 3, torque numbers that send your mind screaming with delight and terror. Hinckley’s new monster produces a staggering 221Nm of torque. What the hell is that even? Nothing comes remotely close. Yamaha’s new VMAX wees out 135Nm. Ducati’s Diavel sits on 130Nm. The Harley offers 155Nm. Indian’s new 116-cuber churns out 168. I cannot even process 221Nm.
To be honest, none of us can even ride them anymore without a bunch of NASA-level CPUs assisting us.
What? Shut up. You cannot ride the new Ducati or Aprilia sportsbike unless there’s an electronic brain helping you. You may think you’re that crazy. And you may be. But you’re not that good. And never mind how you’re not going to deal with 221Nm of torque the new Rocket is going to feed you without a killer computer keeping you from the arms of Jesus.
But I am good with all of that. I love it, in fact. I am fully aware of my own failings as a rider, and if some pimply geek who’s written a program that helps me get 221Nm of tyre-frying stomp to the road, then I would happily buy him a prostitute or two.
I’m not so sure about all the other electronic whizz-bangery we’re being offered in terms of the engine and chassis management systems.
Fair play – it’s nice to have. Adjustable traction control, switchable ABS, electronic suspension, and a bunch of engine modes – which exist solely to mitigate our crapness at using the throttle. This is not, oddly enough, the stuff I dreamed of when I was a crazy feckless youth. I’m sure on some planet it’s wonderful to have an electronically adjustable steering damper with 21 settings. But that’s not the planet I live on.
In my world, I find the setting that works for me, and that’s where the bike stays. Rain or shine. If it’s Sports mode, then it’s always Sports mode. If that makes the throttle too choppy, then it’s Road Mode forever. Same with the suspension. And the Engine Braking and the Traction Control.
All of my mates are the same.
It’s as if all these electronic marvels are merely a gimmick with little application in the real world. Sure, there may well be people out there who eagerly call a halt to proceedings in order to rejig their bike for whatever riding they think they’re about to do.
I do not know, or wish to know, those people. We would not get on. I know this.
But it’s no biggie. Like I said, all that technofizzery is nice to have, even if you don’t use it. I’ve amused myself and my mates for ages out the front of some remote pub, schooner in hand, scrolling through all the rider-assist options a test-bike may have.
And all of them are visible on dashes that bend the mind and make you wish you spent more time reading the on-line user manual.
Here’s where we have reached Maximum Bollocks, I reckon.
The appearance of a dash has never dictated my purchase choice. I’m a pretty simple creature. I need it to tell me how fast I’m going and if it’s run out of oil pressure.
I’m switched on enough to know if the tyres are down, when I need to change gear, and what gear I’m in. A clock is nice, as is a fuel gauge. But I’ve managed without them for many hundreds of thousands of kilometres in the past.
So when I behold dashes that have a night and day mode, or offer five different colour choices and four different customisable displays, and a lean-angle sensor, I go: “Wow. That’s so trick.”
And then I cease to give a shit. Ever.
Yes, I totally understand no-one is building bikes specifically for me and my primitive needs. Bikes are being built – stunning, high-tech bikes, the likes of which are a joy and blessing to us all – to appeal to as many people as possible.
But it’s not really working, is it? Certainly not in Australia.
The really high-end technical stuff is unavailable to Learners, who would be a great market for such frippery given their tech-obsessed lives. They might well adore the new Triumph Street Triple and its magical change-me-baby dash – but they can’t buy it. Whereas I’m entirely indifferent to that stuff and care more that the bike is lighter and more agile than it was the year before.
And let’s face it. Tech costs money.
In a challenging market might it not make sense to offer models with no electronic rider aids (bar ABS) to the market, like Yamaha has done with its new Ténéré? They would be cheaper, and every bit as exciting (if not more so) than bikes with more electrical sexy sauce than an Israeli battle tank.
Peak Bollocks is nice – but not all of it, and not for everyone.
And certainly not now.
By Boris Mihailovic